Passion is a requirement for finding a suitable mate.
… “No, I am not talking about sex. We have to have a passion for life in order to find a proper soul mate.”
Passion is the nineteenth key to a successful hunt.
We have to desperately and passionately want to be with Mr. Right. OK. So I am talking about sex. What’s wrong with sex anyway? It’s a natural act, isn’t it? It’s the kind of thing that makes life interesting, isn’t it? It’s what the birds and the bees and tigers do, don’t they?
… “What’s that darling, I’m all sexed up? So what, I have a right to be passionate if I want.”
I guess I better give you young ladies some passion rules while I’m at it. I’m in such trouble with my wife now that it really won’t make a difference.
1.Always use protection – that goes for him too.
2.Don’t have sex with more than one man at a time
3.DNA tests are a good thing
4. Don’t be promiscuous. There’s that P word again. In this case it means don’t sleep around.
5.Don’t be frigid. Men don’t like that
6. Act like this is the best sex you ever had.
7. Try and get him to say he loves you. Men will say anything when they are passionate and having sex.
8. Try not to grunt or moan to loudly. It’s a turn off and may disturb the neighbors next door.
9. There is no such thing as kinky sex, is there?
10. Keep your eyes open.
11. Under no circumstances yell out Geronimo.
12. Tell your lover he’s the best.
13. Don’t laugh in his face.
14. Size counts, but it isn’t everything. It is like placing a television advertisement. Frequency and Reach are important too.
… “What’s that darling, I am losing my mind? I am an oversexed idiot? Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
… “Yes young lady, this is the short form set of rules for having sex. I haven’t got the stomach for the long form, do you?”
…”What’s that young lady, his p---s is too small? If it doesn’t fit don’t commit. That’s the long and short of it. Oh boy I am getting myself in such trouble can’t any one get me out of this?
… You don’t have the other young ladies problem? You could go on forever? Your man is so great. Give a guy a break, will you? I am talking about the man you are hunting. He can’t go on forever. He needs a rest.”
You have to think about what the man wants. You have to care about him. I don’t want to hear you have to feel satisfied. You have to be complete. You want more. Remember that half a loaf is better than a lazy loafer. Give your guy a break. He needs to relax and have some fun too.
… “You are trying to relieve your stress? How, by putting him under stress? This is not sex on demand of the pay per act type. This is supposed to be true love.”
Have a little compassion for your lover. He will last longer that way.
… “That is not what I meant young lady. Boy have you got a lot to learn. Sex isn’t everything you know? It’s the passion you bring to the table that counts.”
… “No I am not suggesting you do it on the kitchen table. What’s wrong with you?”
… “What’s that young lady, you are tired of listening to my lectures? I don’t lecture people, do I?”
… OK so I do, so what. I will lecture, cajole, insult, and even lower myself to giving instructions in order to help make you successful in your hunt.
… “You don’t want to hear any more lectures from me?”
… “From now on you are going to listen only to the terrific tiger you have fallen in love with? How do you think you caught him?”
… “Yes darling I know I talk too much. I am trying to avoid having to listen to another one of your lectures.”
… “What do you mean what if you stop cooking me dinner; will that make me pay attention and listen to you? What if I stopped eating at home, will that make you pay attention and listen to me? When was the last time you cooked anyway?”
… “OK darling, I will stop with the what ifs if you will.”
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Friday, August 14, 2009
HUNTING FORM - Excerpt from Husband Hunting 123
You wouldn’t go hunting a lion wearing a bathing suit and armed with a fishing rod would you? This may not apply to you personally, but if any of it does don’t get insulted. Get your act together and get prepared to hunt down a husband.
… “No it is not proper form young lady to hunt down someone else's husband. You have got to find one of your own. Now lets get started.”
Your fork is not a spear and your knife wasn’t meant to stab something with. Try and exhibit some decent table manners. If you don’t know what they are go read about them in an etiquette book. Remember that anyone’s gross behavior except for his own can easily turn off the animal you are hunting.
Your tiger also has a keen sense of smell. Tobacco mouth and body odor may send him running in the other direction. This is his den and he is the only one that is allowed to smell bad at least for now. You can change that after you catch him. But be careful, you don’t want an angry tiger in your tank do you?
Don’t have a dirty mouth in public. It might embarrass him. What you do in the bedroom is your business. What ever turns him and you on is the proper procedure when you get to that stage in your relationship. For now let him do all the cursing and swearing. It probably makes him feel like a big man. You don’t want him thinking you’re a big man too, do you?
Keep your hair off your face. He might think you were trying to hide something otherwise. No body piercing or tattoos please. Mr. Perfect might find them a turn on, but not in someone he would consider marrying. Remember that at this stage he probably isn’t considering anything except getting you in bed. Leave the hardware at home, and be sure it’s well hidden from view or don’t invite him over.
Don’t wear cloths that are too tight, too revealing, or too manly – no pinstriped business suits. Leave something to his imagination. If he doesn’t have any imagination then you’re barking up the wrong tree and chasing after the wrong dog. Cut the bastard loose and find someone else. You have to find someone who at least holds the promise of being alive.
Don’t try and tell jokes. Most men hate women who tell jokes. They think that’s a man thing. You have to pretend he’s funny. He won’t know your faking it. It’s OK to laugh a lot at his jokes. Even if they are not funny, you can laugh and laugh. I never told you this finding a husband thing was going to be easy. If you want to get the prize you have to make a real effort.
Making an effort is key to success number three.
You just can’t lay back and wait for Mr. Right to come along. By the time you get into action, he may have come and gone. You are going to have to become proactive.
… “What’s that young lady, you like to do it with your eyes open? That’s none of my business. This is not a sex clinic.”
I almost forgot to tell you. Don’t under any circumstances arm wrestle with him. You don’t want him to think you are one of the boys, do you? And under no condition try and out drink him. If you succeed, he will think he has lost his virility and blame you for being frigid. Remember, husband’s to be are totally irrational creatures. Otherwise why would they allow you to manipulate them and get them to commit to marriage?
… “What’s that young lady, you don’t do any of the things I just told you not to do, and you still haven’t found a husband? This is only the beginning. We have lots more to cover. Don’t get discouraged. We have only just begun to hunt.”
… “Hunt what, why your man of course? You do want a mate, don’t you? You are willing to try new things aren’t you? You do know what you want, don’t you?”
… “Don’t worry young lady, I know what you want. You want a husband. Are you willing to compete for him?”
Now that we have gotten through some of the basics let’s go on to the heavy lifting. Oh, remember to let him do the heavy lifting.
For more information go to http://husbandhunting123.blogspot.com
… “No it is not proper form young lady to hunt down someone else's husband. You have got to find one of your own. Now lets get started.”
Your fork is not a spear and your knife wasn’t meant to stab something with. Try and exhibit some decent table manners. If you don’t know what they are go read about them in an etiquette book. Remember that anyone’s gross behavior except for his own can easily turn off the animal you are hunting.
Your tiger also has a keen sense of smell. Tobacco mouth and body odor may send him running in the other direction. This is his den and he is the only one that is allowed to smell bad at least for now. You can change that after you catch him. But be careful, you don’t want an angry tiger in your tank do you?
Don’t have a dirty mouth in public. It might embarrass him. What you do in the bedroom is your business. What ever turns him and you on is the proper procedure when you get to that stage in your relationship. For now let him do all the cursing and swearing. It probably makes him feel like a big man. You don’t want him thinking you’re a big man too, do you?
Keep your hair off your face. He might think you were trying to hide something otherwise. No body piercing or tattoos please. Mr. Perfect might find them a turn on, but not in someone he would consider marrying. Remember that at this stage he probably isn’t considering anything except getting you in bed. Leave the hardware at home, and be sure it’s well hidden from view or don’t invite him over.
Don’t wear cloths that are too tight, too revealing, or too manly – no pinstriped business suits. Leave something to his imagination. If he doesn’t have any imagination then you’re barking up the wrong tree and chasing after the wrong dog. Cut the bastard loose and find someone else. You have to find someone who at least holds the promise of being alive.
Don’t try and tell jokes. Most men hate women who tell jokes. They think that’s a man thing. You have to pretend he’s funny. He won’t know your faking it. It’s OK to laugh a lot at his jokes. Even if they are not funny, you can laugh and laugh. I never told you this finding a husband thing was going to be easy. If you want to get the prize you have to make a real effort.
Making an effort is key to success number three.
You just can’t lay back and wait for Mr. Right to come along. By the time you get into action, he may have come and gone. You are going to have to become proactive.
… “What’s that young lady, you like to do it with your eyes open? That’s none of my business. This is not a sex clinic.”
I almost forgot to tell you. Don’t under any circumstances arm wrestle with him. You don’t want him to think you are one of the boys, do you? And under no condition try and out drink him. If you succeed, he will think he has lost his virility and blame you for being frigid. Remember, husband’s to be are totally irrational creatures. Otherwise why would they allow you to manipulate them and get them to commit to marriage?
… “What’s that young lady, you don’t do any of the things I just told you not to do, and you still haven’t found a husband? This is only the beginning. We have lots more to cover. Don’t get discouraged. We have only just begun to hunt.”
… “Hunt what, why your man of course? You do want a mate, don’t you? You are willing to try new things aren’t you? You do know what you want, don’t you?”
… “Don’t worry young lady, I know what you want. You want a husband. Are you willing to compete for him?”
Now that we have gotten through some of the basics let’s go on to the heavy lifting. Oh, remember to let him do the heavy lifting.
For more information go to http://husbandhunting123.blogspot.com
Monday, January 12, 2009
No More Black
Black is out young ladies. How is a prospective near sighted tiger supposed to spot you if you are wearing a black coat, black pants, and a black Mickey Mouse tee shirt? It is time to start wearing some bright colors so that you will get noticed. The only thing that should be colorless is your gum. Stop chewing bubble gum in public. There are subtler ways to get more of a bang for your buck.
More advice later.
.... I can't help it if I am making you mad. Someone has to shake things up around here. Get rid of the gum.
More advice later.
.... I can't help it if I am making you mad. Someone has to shake things up around here. Get rid of the gum.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
New Years Reality Check
Do you know if the tiger you are hunting is real? Go to http://johnnyoops.blogspot.com to find out.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
CHAPTER 13 – EMERGENCY - Excerpt Husband Hunting
… “What do you mean you’ve been going with the same guy for five years and he’s having a crisis? It’s not a midlife crisis is it? You two can’t be that old, can you?”
… “OK I’ll stop asking questions right after this next one. What the hell are you two lovebirds waiting for? If you have been roosting with this soon to be old rooster for this long, it is time for crisis intervention.”
… “I don’t care if he’s seeing someone else.”
… “I don’t care if he says he loves you, but he never wants to get married. You have wasted your life with this bastard. Tell him you are going to sue him for half his assets as his common law wife if he doesn’t marry you. That should shake the old man up. Tell him it’s now or never. Either he makes an honest woman out of you or you are moving on to greener pastures. Give him a grand total of one day to make up his mind. Do not see him during this period of time. Do not take his calls. If after one day he doesn’t propose then dump him. The crotchety old bastard isn’t worth it. Stop fooling yourself.”
… What’s the big rush young lady? So you met this handsome dude and he has swept you off your feet. He tells you he loves you and has to have you. Tell him he can have you after he has made a commitment.”
… “Yes I know that’s old fashioned. Tell him you are an old fashioned type of girl. Tell him you still believe in marriage and having children. Tell him if he really loves you he will do the right thing. If that doesn’t work, you know the routine, move on to number ten, eleven etcetera.”
… “I am sorry to hear you caught your intended in a bar last night with a beautiful blonde. I thought you were a beautiful blonde. Are you sure he wasn’t with you? Don’t get so uptight. Men are philanderers you know. What do you expect from Mr. Sleazy? By the way, what were you doing in that bar? Who were you with?”
… “Sure, sure, I know. You were out with the girls because lover boy said he had to work late. My advice to you is to stay out of bars young lady.”
… “My dear young woman, you have to understand that with most men sports and being with the guys comes first. That’s the way it is going to be until you teach him otherwise. This takes time and patience. I do not consider this to be an emergency, just a normal part of life. By the way, are those season tickets to the football game on the fifty-yard line? Do you think I could borrow them sometime?”
… “Yes darling I know I have to stay home with you. I just thought I could go see a game when you go to visit your mother.”
… “She is coming here? What have I done to deserve this?”
… OK I’ll forget the football game. You and your mother are more important.”
… “She is coming to give me some expert advice?”
… “OK I’ll stop asking questions right after this next one. What the hell are you two lovebirds waiting for? If you have been roosting with this soon to be old rooster for this long, it is time for crisis intervention.”
… “I don’t care if he’s seeing someone else.”
… “I don’t care if he says he loves you, but he never wants to get married. You have wasted your life with this bastard. Tell him you are going to sue him for half his assets as his common law wife if he doesn’t marry you. That should shake the old man up. Tell him it’s now or never. Either he makes an honest woman out of you or you are moving on to greener pastures. Give him a grand total of one day to make up his mind. Do not see him during this period of time. Do not take his calls. If after one day he doesn’t propose then dump him. The crotchety old bastard isn’t worth it. Stop fooling yourself.”
… What’s the big rush young lady? So you met this handsome dude and he has swept you off your feet. He tells you he loves you and has to have you. Tell him he can have you after he has made a commitment.”
… “Yes I know that’s old fashioned. Tell him you are an old fashioned type of girl. Tell him you still believe in marriage and having children. Tell him if he really loves you he will do the right thing. If that doesn’t work, you know the routine, move on to number ten, eleven etcetera.”
… “I am sorry to hear you caught your intended in a bar last night with a beautiful blonde. I thought you were a beautiful blonde. Are you sure he wasn’t with you? Don’t get so uptight. Men are philanderers you know. What do you expect from Mr. Sleazy? By the way, what were you doing in that bar? Who were you with?”
… “Sure, sure, I know. You were out with the girls because lover boy said he had to work late. My advice to you is to stay out of bars young lady.”
… “My dear young woman, you have to understand that with most men sports and being with the guys comes first. That’s the way it is going to be until you teach him otherwise. This takes time and patience. I do not consider this to be an emergency, just a normal part of life. By the way, are those season tickets to the football game on the fifty-yard line? Do you think I could borrow them sometime?”
… “Yes darling I know I have to stay home with you. I just thought I could go see a game when you go to visit your mother.”
… “She is coming here? What have I done to deserve this?”
… OK I’ll forget the football game. You and your mother are more important.”
… “She is coming to give me some expert advice?”
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Excerpt from the how to book Husband Hunting 1A
CHAPTER 6 – WHERE TO MEET MR. FANTASTIC
… “What’s that young lady? I’m sorry to hear you are disappointed. It’s not my fault that the drunken dreamboat you met last night gave you the wrong telephone number.”
… “It just keeps giving you a busy signal when you call? What do you expect from some bum you met at a raunchy bar at 2 AM? That is not the proper hunting ground for you to find your mate. While you’re at it, stop calling that number. It’s the IRS hotline. You don’t have those kinds of problems too, do you? Sometimes life has more questions than answers. You have to learn to go with the flow.”
Try finding your mate for life in a decent place. That way you might find someone decent. How about going to a church social for singles.
… “Yes young lady, there are men who want to meet a nice girl.”
… “No, not every man that goes to a church social is a loser or a wimp. The only losers are the young ladies who don’t try and find a decent guy.”
… “OK, so you’re not so young. There are plenty of guys who are not so young either. Get in there and mix it up. You and Mr. Potential are not getting any younger you know. At least at your age you are both probably trying to find each other. See we have a meeting of the minds and common objectives. That means there’s hope. Get to work. Time is running out.”
Having hope is key to success number five.
Sorry young ladies, I don’t have a list of places for you to go to stalk your intended right now. Make up your own list. If you spent more time researching your options and opportunities, this might go a lot easier. But be careful of trying to find your future love on the Internet. You can run into a lot of weirdoes there. If you do use the Internet try a dating service. The better ones prescreen their applicants. You might try the library. You do remember where the library is, don’t you? Maybe Mr. Right is doing some research at the library. You could stalk him in the stacks and get to see how he stacks up.
If you do try to find Mr. Unbelievable through the Internet, or the classified section of a magazine, here is a super special trick to make sure he hasn’t tricked you with the picture of himself that he sends you. Agree to meet him at a busy hotel for a drink. Tell him you will be wearing a black dress with a white carnation, and find out what he is going to wear. Then don’t wear the black dress wear something pink or blue and no carnation.
If you gave him your photo, change your hairstyle and wear sunglasses. That way since you know what he is wearing and he doesn’t know what you are wearing or look like, you can check him out without wearing yourself out.
Boy, I am getting worn out from all this dressing and undressing. Anyway, if you don’t see some man wearing what he is supposed to be wearing that can only mean that he is trying to play the same trick on you, is a no show, or gave you a phony photo. Wait twenty minutes and head for the bar. By this time you will probably need a drink.
When you walk in look around. The three hundred-pound guy at the end of the bar with the warts on his nose is probably your blind date. Go directly to the bathroom, and then leave through the back door. This is definitely not Mr. Wonderful. I hope you are not worn out by now, but it is better to be wary than worn out trying to make small talk to some short fat slob you wish you never agreed to meet in the first place.
Am I getting too chatty? Are you following all this? It is confusing, isn’t it? But then when you try to trick someone you may end up fooling yourself.
Have you thought about asking some of your married girlfriends to fix you up? This might be an easier tact to take. Their husbands probably have male friends still hanging around to watch football that your girlfriends would like to get out of the house. Tell them this way everyone wins. It’s worth a shot. What have you got to lose? You have got to make an effort. Stop wasting time. Pretty soon all your girlfriend’s husband’s male friends will be so glued to the couch watching football on TV that nothing will move them.
I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t you submit your best idea about where to find a husband on my blog – http://husbandhunting123.blogspot.com? We could have a contest to see whose ideas are best. I mean besides mine of course. I will print the ten best ideas in a second printing of my book. You could become famous, but of course remain anonymous if you want. We could do the same thing if you have a great question and need some of my terrific advice. Isn’t that marvelous? Aren’t I brilliant? Isn’t life wonderful? The most important rule to the contest is that your idea or question has to relate to at least two keys to successfully hunting down your man.
… “I know you don’t know all the keys to a successful hunt yet young lady – keep reading. I am going to give you all the answers. I am going to give you all the keys to a successful hunt. I am going to tell you what to do and what not to do. Isn’t that wonderful?”
… “What’s that young lady? I’m sorry to hear you are disappointed. It’s not my fault that the drunken dreamboat you met last night gave you the wrong telephone number.”
… “It just keeps giving you a busy signal when you call? What do you expect from some bum you met at a raunchy bar at 2 AM? That is not the proper hunting ground for you to find your mate. While you’re at it, stop calling that number. It’s the IRS hotline. You don’t have those kinds of problems too, do you? Sometimes life has more questions than answers. You have to learn to go with the flow.”
Try finding your mate for life in a decent place. That way you might find someone decent. How about going to a church social for singles.
… “Yes young lady, there are men who want to meet a nice girl.”
… “No, not every man that goes to a church social is a loser or a wimp. The only losers are the young ladies who don’t try and find a decent guy.”
… “OK, so you’re not so young. There are plenty of guys who are not so young either. Get in there and mix it up. You and Mr. Potential are not getting any younger you know. At least at your age you are both probably trying to find each other. See we have a meeting of the minds and common objectives. That means there’s hope. Get to work. Time is running out.”
Having hope is key to success number five.
Sorry young ladies, I don’t have a list of places for you to go to stalk your intended right now. Make up your own list. If you spent more time researching your options and opportunities, this might go a lot easier. But be careful of trying to find your future love on the Internet. You can run into a lot of weirdoes there. If you do use the Internet try a dating service. The better ones prescreen their applicants. You might try the library. You do remember where the library is, don’t you? Maybe Mr. Right is doing some research at the library. You could stalk him in the stacks and get to see how he stacks up.
If you do try to find Mr. Unbelievable through the Internet, or the classified section of a magazine, here is a super special trick to make sure he hasn’t tricked you with the picture of himself that he sends you. Agree to meet him at a busy hotel for a drink. Tell him you will be wearing a black dress with a white carnation, and find out what he is going to wear. Then don’t wear the black dress wear something pink or blue and no carnation.
If you gave him your photo, change your hairstyle and wear sunglasses. That way since you know what he is wearing and he doesn’t know what you are wearing or look like, you can check him out without wearing yourself out.
Boy, I am getting worn out from all this dressing and undressing. Anyway, if you don’t see some man wearing what he is supposed to be wearing that can only mean that he is trying to play the same trick on you, is a no show, or gave you a phony photo. Wait twenty minutes and head for the bar. By this time you will probably need a drink.
When you walk in look around. The three hundred-pound guy at the end of the bar with the warts on his nose is probably your blind date. Go directly to the bathroom, and then leave through the back door. This is definitely not Mr. Wonderful. I hope you are not worn out by now, but it is better to be wary than worn out trying to make small talk to some short fat slob you wish you never agreed to meet in the first place.
Am I getting too chatty? Are you following all this? It is confusing, isn’t it? But then when you try to trick someone you may end up fooling yourself.
Have you thought about asking some of your married girlfriends to fix you up? This might be an easier tact to take. Their husbands probably have male friends still hanging around to watch football that your girlfriends would like to get out of the house. Tell them this way everyone wins. It’s worth a shot. What have you got to lose? You have got to make an effort. Stop wasting time. Pretty soon all your girlfriend’s husband’s male friends will be so glued to the couch watching football on TV that nothing will move them.
I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t you submit your best idea about where to find a husband on my blog – http://husbandhunting123.blogspot.com? We could have a contest to see whose ideas are best. I mean besides mine of course. I will print the ten best ideas in a second printing of my book. You could become famous, but of course remain anonymous if you want. We could do the same thing if you have a great question and need some of my terrific advice. Isn’t that marvelous? Aren’t I brilliant? Isn’t life wonderful? The most important rule to the contest is that your idea or question has to relate to at least two keys to successfully hunting down your man.
… “I know you don’t know all the keys to a successful hunt yet young lady – keep reading. I am going to give you all the answers. I am going to give you all the keys to a successful hunt. I am going to tell you what to do and what not to do. Isn’t that wonderful?”
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