I hope you are with someone special for Thanksgiving.
Arthur
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
CHAPTER 13 Excerpt Johnny Oops
Sometimes I don’t engage my brain. Only when we were about to leave for Egypt did the thought strike me that there probably weren’t going to be many good-looking babes amongst the mummies. My God, what have I gotten myself into: a whole summer of celibate philosophizing in a foreign country, dust storms and death in the heat of the desert? This is not exactly what I had in mind.
To make matters worse, I found out the Professor’s wife wasn’t going to join us on the trip. Who was going to cook for us? I guess flat biscuits weren’t her thing. No wonder God parted the Red Sea so the Jews could exit from Egypt during Pharaoh’s time around 1570 B.C. Who wants to hang around with a bunch of dumb dead mummies whose idea of music probably revolved around a rock band called the Walking Deadbeats, banging a bunch of pots and pans? Oh, I forgot they didn’t have pans in those days. I guess that’s why Mrs. Armstrong didn’t want to come along. She wasn’t going to be able to make her delicious biscuits. I think the heat is getting to me and I haven’t even left the country yet.
Before we got on our charter flight from San Diego International to Cairo—the good professor had booked us on this special flight with a bunch of other college groups to save money, Security took a special interest in us, making us remove not only our shoes, but also our socks, in an examination that took the better part of two hours. They made us strip down to our shorts searching for whatever, and would have done worse if we didn’t complain.
I personally think it was because the two security guards were female, but the good professor said it was probably because we were going to Egypt. Thank God I didn’t keep my parents gift of steel spiked boots. They probably wouldn’t have let me on the plane.
The woman security guard who was conducting our search said, “Okay, now take the rest off and bend over.”
I said, “No Miss, I will not.” What the hell is going on here? I’m not a prisoner on the way to jail. I thought we were supposed to be searched by men. I want to see the head of security.
“What’s the matter, big boy, you shy? You’re blushing,” said the female security guard who must have weighed three hundred pounds. Her skinny, pimple faced friend laughed from a corner of the glass-enclosed cubicle, holding her hands in front of her eyes in mock embarrassment at my nakedness. The room, part of a maze of inspection rooms, was bare except for a small metal table and one desk type chair.
“Not anymore, lady. I’ve got nothing left to hide, and stop poking me with that electronic wand. You’re supposed to use that to see if I’m carrying any hidden weapons. Do I look like I’m carrying a hidden weapon?”
“Take your underpants off, big boy, and I’ll let you know.”
To make matters worse, I found out the Professor’s wife wasn’t going to join us on the trip. Who was going to cook for us? I guess flat biscuits weren’t her thing. No wonder God parted the Red Sea so the Jews could exit from Egypt during Pharaoh’s time around 1570 B.C. Who wants to hang around with a bunch of dumb dead mummies whose idea of music probably revolved around a rock band called the Walking Deadbeats, banging a bunch of pots and pans? Oh, I forgot they didn’t have pans in those days. I guess that’s why Mrs. Armstrong didn’t want to come along. She wasn’t going to be able to make her delicious biscuits. I think the heat is getting to me and I haven’t even left the country yet.
Before we got on our charter flight from San Diego International to Cairo—the good professor had booked us on this special flight with a bunch of other college groups to save money, Security took a special interest in us, making us remove not only our shoes, but also our socks, in an examination that took the better part of two hours. They made us strip down to our shorts searching for whatever, and would have done worse if we didn’t complain.
I personally think it was because the two security guards were female, but the good professor said it was probably because we were going to Egypt. Thank God I didn’t keep my parents gift of steel spiked boots. They probably wouldn’t have let me on the plane.
The woman security guard who was conducting our search said, “Okay, now take the rest off and bend over.”
I said, “No Miss, I will not.” What the hell is going on here? I’m not a prisoner on the way to jail. I thought we were supposed to be searched by men. I want to see the head of security.
“What’s the matter, big boy, you shy? You’re blushing,” said the female security guard who must have weighed three hundred pounds. Her skinny, pimple faced friend laughed from a corner of the glass-enclosed cubicle, holding her hands in front of her eyes in mock embarrassment at my nakedness. The room, part of a maze of inspection rooms, was bare except for a small metal table and one desk type chair.
“Not anymore, lady. I’ve got nothing left to hide, and stop poking me with that electronic wand. You’re supposed to use that to see if I’m carrying any hidden weapons. Do I look like I’m carrying a hidden weapon?”
“Take your underpants off, big boy, and I’ll let you know.”
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Interview
Hi everyone, please take a look at the interview about me and my novel Johnny Oops by Soooz from Goodreads.com
Arthur
http://sooozsaysstuff.blogspot.com/
Arthur
http://sooozsaysstuff.blogspot.com/
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Is Your Sexuality Inhibiting You
Johnny is always testing life’s borders. Join him and discover how far you are willing to press your own vision of reality. Is God really a Game Master? Are we all bit players in a giant virtual reality game? Is your sexuality inhibiting you?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Good Place To Meet
A good place to meet the man of your dreams young lady is at the Dry Cleaners. At least if he is there he is taking care of that ring around the collar and may just be the right one to give you another kind of ring.
Start spending a lot of time there. You can let the tailor take down the hem on your skirts which are too damn short. You do wear skirts, don't you? Whle you are at it get rid of those smelly jeans. they are too tight anyway.
Start spending a lot of time there. You can let the tailor take down the hem on your skirts which are too damn short. You do wear skirts, don't you? Whle you are at it get rid of those smelly jeans. they are too tight anyway.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Excerpt - Husband Hunting - CHAPTER 40 – PASSION
Passion is a requirement for finding a suitable mate.
… “No, I am not talking about sex. We have to have a passion for life in order to find a proper soul mate.”
Passion is the nineteenth key to a successful hunt.
We have to desperately and passionately want to be with Mr. Right. OK. So I am talking about sex. What’s wrong with sex anyway? It’s a natural act, isn’t it? It’s the kind of thing that makes life interesting, isn’t it? It’s what the birds and the bees and tigers do, don’t they?
… “What’s that darling, I’m all sexed up? So what, I have a right to be passionate if I want.”
I guess I better give you young ladies some passion rules while I’m at it. I’m in such trouble with my wife now that it really won’t make a difference.
1.Always use protection – that goes for him too.
2.Don’t have sex with more than one man at a time
3.DNA tests are a good thing
4. Don’t be promiscuous. There’s that P word again. In this case it means don’t sleep around.
5.Don’t be frigid. Men don’t like that
6. Act like this is the best sex you ever had.
7. Try and get him to say he loves you. Men will say anything when they are passionate and having sex.
8. Try not to grunt or moan to loudly. It’s a turn off and may disturb the neighbors next door.
9. There is no such thing as kinky sex, is there?
10. Keep your eyes open.
11. Under no circumstances yell out Geronimo.
12. Tell your lover he’s the best.
13. Don’t laugh in his face.
14. Size counts, but it isn’t everything. It is like placing a television advertisement. Frequency and Reach are important too.
… “What’s that darling, I am losing my mind? I am an oversexed idiot? Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
… “Yes young lady, this is the short form set of rules for having sex. I haven’t got the stomach for the long form, do you?”
…”What’s that young lady, his p---s is too small? If it doesn’t fit don’t commit. That’s the long and short of it. Oh boy I am getting myself in such trouble can’t any one get me out of this?
… You don’t have the other young ladies problem? You could go on forever? Your man is so great. Give a guy a break, will you? I am talking about the man you are hunting. He can’t go on forever. He needs a rest.”
You have to think about what the man wants. You have to care about him. I don’t want to hear you have to feel satisfied. You have to be complete. You want more. Remember that half a loaf is better than a lazy loafer. Give your guy a break. He needs to relax and have some fun too.
… “You are trying to relieve your stress? How, by putting him under stress? This is not sex on demand of the pay per act type. This is supposed to be true love.”
Have a little compassion for your lover. He will last longer that way.
… “That is not what I meant young lady. Boy have you got a lot to learn. Sex isn’t everything you know? It’s the passion you bring to the table that counts.”
… “No I am not suggesting you do it on the kitchen table. What’s wrong with you?”
… “What’s that young lady, you are tired of listening to my lectures? I don’t lecture people, do I?”
… OK so I do, so what. I will lecture, cajole, insult, and even lower myself to giving instructions in order to help make you successful in your hunt.
… “You don’t want to hear any more lectures from me?”
… “From now on you are going to listen only to the terrific tiger you have fallen in love with? How do you think you caught him?”
… “Yes darling I know I talk too much. I am trying to avoid having to listen to another one of your lectures.”
… “What do you mean what if you stop cooking me dinner; will that make me pay attention and listen to you? What if I stopped eating at home, will that make you pay attention and listen to me? When was the last time you cooked anyway?”
… “OK darling, I will stop with the what ifs if you will.”
… “No, I am not talking about sex. We have to have a passion for life in order to find a proper soul mate.”
Passion is the nineteenth key to a successful hunt.
We have to desperately and passionately want to be with Mr. Right. OK. So I am talking about sex. What’s wrong with sex anyway? It’s a natural act, isn’t it? It’s the kind of thing that makes life interesting, isn’t it? It’s what the birds and the bees and tigers do, don’t they?
… “What’s that darling, I’m all sexed up? So what, I have a right to be passionate if I want.”
I guess I better give you young ladies some passion rules while I’m at it. I’m in such trouble with my wife now that it really won’t make a difference.
1.Always use protection – that goes for him too.
2.Don’t have sex with more than one man at a time
3.DNA tests are a good thing
4. Don’t be promiscuous. There’s that P word again. In this case it means don’t sleep around.
5.Don’t be frigid. Men don’t like that
6. Act like this is the best sex you ever had.
7. Try and get him to say he loves you. Men will say anything when they are passionate and having sex.
8. Try not to grunt or moan to loudly. It’s a turn off and may disturb the neighbors next door.
9. There is no such thing as kinky sex, is there?
10. Keep your eyes open.
11. Under no circumstances yell out Geronimo.
12. Tell your lover he’s the best.
13. Don’t laugh in his face.
14. Size counts, but it isn’t everything. It is like placing a television advertisement. Frequency and Reach are important too.
… “What’s that darling, I am losing my mind? I am an oversexed idiot? Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
… “Yes young lady, this is the short form set of rules for having sex. I haven’t got the stomach for the long form, do you?”
…”What’s that young lady, his p---s is too small? If it doesn’t fit don’t commit. That’s the long and short of it. Oh boy I am getting myself in such trouble can’t any one get me out of this?
… You don’t have the other young ladies problem? You could go on forever? Your man is so great. Give a guy a break, will you? I am talking about the man you are hunting. He can’t go on forever. He needs a rest.”
You have to think about what the man wants. You have to care about him. I don’t want to hear you have to feel satisfied. You have to be complete. You want more. Remember that half a loaf is better than a lazy loafer. Give your guy a break. He needs to relax and have some fun too.
… “You are trying to relieve your stress? How, by putting him under stress? This is not sex on demand of the pay per act type. This is supposed to be true love.”
Have a little compassion for your lover. He will last longer that way.
… “That is not what I meant young lady. Boy have you got a lot to learn. Sex isn’t everything you know? It’s the passion you bring to the table that counts.”
… “No I am not suggesting you do it on the kitchen table. What’s wrong with you?”
… “What’s that young lady, you are tired of listening to my lectures? I don’t lecture people, do I?”
… OK so I do, so what. I will lecture, cajole, insult, and even lower myself to giving instructions in order to help make you successful in your hunt.
… “You don’t want to hear any more lectures from me?”
… “From now on you are going to listen only to the terrific tiger you have fallen in love with? How do you think you caught him?”
… “Yes darling I know I talk too much. I am trying to avoid having to listen to another one of your lectures.”
… “What do you mean what if you stop cooking me dinner; will that make me pay attention and listen to you? What if I stopped eating at home, will that make you pay attention and listen to me? When was the last time you cooked anyway?”
… “OK darling, I will stop with the what ifs if you will.”
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