CHAPTER 13 – EMERGENCY - Excerpt Husband Hunting

… “What do you mean you’ve been going with the same guy for five years and he’s having a crisis? It’s not a midlife crisis is it? You two can’t be that old, can you?”

… “OK I’ll stop asking questions right after this next one. What the hell are you two lovebirds waiting for? If you have been roosting with this soon to be old rooster for this long, it is time for crisis intervention.”

… “I don’t care if he’s seeing someone else.”

… “I don’t care if he says he loves you, but he never wants to get married. You have wasted your life with this bastard. Tell him you are going to sue him for half his assets as his common law wife if he doesn’t marry you. That should shake the old man up. Tell him it’s now or never. Either he makes an honest woman out of you or you are moving on to greener pastures. Give him a grand total of one day to make up his mind. Do not see him during this period of time. Do not take his calls. If after one day he doesn’t propose then dump him. The crotchety old bastard isn’t worth it. Stop fooling yourself.”

… What’s the big rush young lady? So you met this handsome dude and he has swept you off your feet. He tells you he loves you and has to have you. Tell him he can have you after he has made a commitment.”

… “Yes I know that’s old fashioned. Tell him you are an old fashioned type of girl. Tell him you still believe in marriage and having children. Tell him if he really loves you he will do the right thing. If that doesn’t work, you know the routine, move on to number ten, eleven etcetera.”

… “I am sorry to hear you caught your intended in a bar last night with a beautiful blonde. I thought you were a beautiful blonde. Are you sure he wasn’t with you? Don’t get so uptight. Men are philanderers you know. What do you expect from Mr. Sleazy? By the way, what were you doing in that bar? Who were you with?”

… “Sure, sure, I know. You were out with the girls because lover boy said he had to work late. My advice to you is to stay out of bars young lady.”

… “My dear young woman, you have to understand that with most men sports and being with the guys comes first. That’s the way it is going to be until you teach him otherwise. This takes time and patience. I do not consider this to be an emergency, just a normal part of life. By the way, are those season tickets to the football game on the fifty-yard line? Do you think I could borrow them sometime?”

… “Yes darling I know I have to stay home with you. I just thought I could go see a game when you go to visit your mother.”

… “She is coming here? What have I done to deserve this?”

… OK I’ll forget the football game. You and your mother are more important.”

… “She is coming to give me some expert advice?”